Counting Blessings after a complicated loss...

I'm feeling melancholy today... my mom got a call today that her mother has died. Though my maternal grandmother has lived less than an hour's distance most of my life, I've only spent time with her a handful of times.  She left my mom's family of 5 kids when they were all young; the divorce was finalized on my mom's, the eldest child, 12th birthday.  She moved on to create a new life for herself, and it doesn't appear to have been any happier a life. Perhaps the grass isn't greener on the other side; the grass is greener where you feed and water it.

Chatting with a dear friend this afternoon, she gave me some words of wisdom.  This is a complicated loss... though I may not be grieving the loss of a warm grandmother who was an active part of my life, I'm grieving the absence of her role in my life.  And that absence was her choice.

So, as I mull over the other losses I've endured, I'm led to count my blessings.  I've been inspired by Ann Voskamp's list of gratitude that she posts at on her blog weekly.

1. My husband who loves me and makes me laugh.  Though far from a perfect marriage, I think we have an honest love and respect for one another.

2. My son - my freckle-faced, passionate boy.  At age 9 and 3/4 he amazes me.  He's so completely obsessed with sports, with facts, with excelling in everything he tries.  I love that he sits, by his own choice, and reads his Bible with me, while I read mine, every morning.

3. My daughter - my sparkling, spunky, surprisingly delightful 7 year old girl. I love her easy nature, her complete carefree-ness in regards to time constraints, her imagination and her sense of humour.  The art work she produces, and the stories she tells always make me proud. Her quick hugs, sneaky kisses and amazing shoulder rubs make me smile.

4. My parents.  My mom has been a terrific mom, though she did not have a great role model in her own mom.  I so appreciate the sacrifices she has made for my sister and I, and our children.  My mom shows her love in practical ways, and I am so grateful she loves me.  My dad had always been the one I talk problems over with, or shared my dreams for the future with. I appreciate that he is still a good listener. I'm so thankful that almost seven years ago they found the joy of knowing Jesus in faith as we do.  Watching this new life in them has brought so much JOY!

5. My In-laws.  I am so glad I married into a wonderful, warm, Christian family.  I love that they are solid, honest people with much love to share. I love that they live on a farm in a small town.  They share a love of people, of serving others and of offering hospitality.  I love it when they are in my home, and I love it when I can spend time in theirs.  Even though there is a great distance, my mom-in-law is the grandmother to my children that I always wished I had.

6. My sister, my husband's siblings and the people they married.  I really could not be more blessed in the sister I was given.  Though I was Miss Bossy-Pants growing up (and maybe even sometimes still today), she has always been kind and gracious, the original sparkling-eyed Twinkletoes.  Mark's 2 sisters and 2 brothers have brought so many fun moments into my life.  I love our competitive board game nights, vacations together, the food we share and doing life together. I love every one of their kids too!

7. My friends.  Here is where I count myself so blessed... that I would have the privilege of knowing so many amazing people, and get to call them my friends.  What an honour to have them share their big moments in life with me, or the sad ones.  I'm so grateful for the homegroup that we've established, that we have a committed group of friends to walk through life honestly with.

8. Our church.  Though it's been tricky watching our church grow and try new things, I'm so grateful for this place of worship, for the leaders and real people that give their time there to help me, to help others understand how much God loves us and that He calls us to show that love in practical ways.  I'm thankful that I've been given the opportunity to take on different roles of leadership in this church and learn SO much!

9. This home.  We talk about moving, a LOT, but I'm thankful for this place where we've scrubbed and
painted and built and weeded to make a home.  Whether we move, or stay, may it not be the structure, but our intentional choices that make home a warm, inviting place for our family and our guests.

10. Teaching.  I teach 6th grade at a middle school, I teach 2-5 year olds at church, I sometimes have opportunities to teach adults, one-on-one or in a larger setting.  I have been so blessed by this gifting.  I see God's hand on my life so clearly in moments when I'm teaching.  I pray that I would be a good teacher, that I would illuminate and not extinguish.  I pray that I would offer hope and never discouragement. I'm so grateful that teaching has led to this curriculum project for our church.  I want to please my Father in Heaven with what He has entrusted to me.

Well - my first 10 blessings (though really a much greater multitude).  I do feel better. Even though there is one loss I'm feeling today, there is so much to be grateful for.

God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.

I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!
Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
Night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
All the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.
Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Psalm 139:1-18